This blog is a stream of conciousness from my head to the keyboard to the screen. There will be talk of random subjects. If you have delicate eyes, proceed with caution. I like to talk about controversial subjects and sex a lot. So, take heed my friends. This is not a blog for debate, but for love and sharing. If your views do not match my own, love to you, but don't bring the rest of us down. That's all I'm saying.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

So Sleepy

I was watching the show "Born Different" the other day. There was a young man featured, in his early twenties, who was born with Congenital Amputation. He has arms just to the elbow joint and legs just to the knee. What kind of a life could he have? How sad he must be. Right! He owns a gym and is a personal trainer and nutritionist. No freakin' joke. He is super cute, too. He wrestled all through high school and beat several state champs his senior year. He then went to college to become certified in his given field.

There is an incredible man named Steven Wampler. This summer he summited the Zodiac route on El Capitan in Yosemite National Park. Attempting to summit El Cap is only attempted by seasoned climbers. It takes an average team 4-7 days to get to the top. The attempt is successful for around 60% of the teams. Steve and his team completed the route in 6 days. Did I mention Steve has severe Cerebral Palsy and only has the use of his upper body? He sat in a "cradle" that was created especially for him. He lay in that apparatus, staring into the sun, focused on the top of the mountain, and pulled himself up using just his arms as he hung like a spider from the ropes. No one pulled him up. He did it all through his will and determination. (Check out his amazing foundation website http://www.wamplerfoundation.org).

I also have a friend that has had double hip replacement by the time he was in his mid-forties and he still kicks ass on the slopes and on the rock.

So, know that the following is understanding that I have nothing to complain about. I think that's what makes my fatigue all the worse.

I am tired. Really tired. I have been for about 2-3 weeks now. Tired to the point that my children have been late to school because I can not get out of bed. Tired to the point that I wanted to cry with joy at the announcement of a snow day as it meant I did not have to try to get out of bed at 6:45.

I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome a year and a half ago. At that time I was not able to function for about 5-6 months. They said that this fatigue could come and go at anytime. It may never come back or it might never go away. Hearing this, I started doing a lot of research on the subject to figure out a way to never feel like that again. What I found was that this syndrome, like most other maladies, is largely routed in emotion.

So, at that time, I figured out what my big issues were and tried to fix them. I quit my job, which I actually had to continue until July of that year, I started making plans on getting my house together, Blaine and I started talking and communicating more, I tried to eat better and make sure I was moving and not sitting around too much. Eventually the symptoms subsided. They have been gone for almost 12 months.

When I started to feel this same fatigue a few weeks ago, I panicked a bit. Then remembering that it is emotionally based, I really started evaluating things. This problem is, this time I can see no issue to be resolved. I do not know what that magic switch is. I have spent the last 3 days cleaning like mad to make sure the house isn't a stress. The retreat I am in charge of is next weekend and it is all ready to go. My kids are awesome and doing well in school, with counseling, friendships, eating, etc. Blaine and I are in a wonderful place in our relationship. I have friends that I feel close to and can call to do things with.

What is the problem?

Why am I so tired?

Is there an actual physical issue to take care of?

I strongly believe that ever single illness is born out of emotion. I want to find what it is that I need to correct. I could sleep all day and still be tired. My body feels like it is made out of lead right now. Yet, I know my body is strong, well formed, free of disability, and able to move. Why won't it move? I feel embarrassed that I am so weak. There are people out there who struggle for life on a daily basis and yet I am letting fatigue get the better of me.

I am off to move. Cook some lunch. FInd something else to clean. Do some computer work. Anything to distract me from this pervasive feeling that all I should bee doing is laying in a dark room with my eyes closed.

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