This blog is a stream of conciousness from my head to the keyboard to the screen. There will be talk of random subjects. If you have delicate eyes, proceed with caution. I like to talk about controversial subjects and sex a lot. So, take heed my friends. This is not a blog for debate, but for love and sharing. If your views do not match my own, love to you, but don't bring the rest of us down. That's all I'm saying.

Friday, June 15, 2012

What if...

I have an idea:

What if we decided that who we are is just that, who we are?

What if we decided that what other people think is just what they think?

What if we decided that what we have is what we have?

What if we decided that our life circumstances were just circumstances?

Confused? Think I've read one too many energy healing books? I might just have, but I am on to something big. It's just a little glint right now, but my inner energy is racing as I think these thoughts. So, bear with me.

What if all of those things I mentioned happened. We noticed the things around us, what we have, what we don't have, what we want, what others think and say and that's it. We just noticed it. We didn't assign emotion, or a 1-10/good or bad scale. We didn't judge ourselves or others based on any of these things. We didn't infer what it might mean or what it could mean.

Can you even imagine? It is difficult. I have been working on this for a few weeks now. And in those times that I am really struggling to do this I think to myself: Why am I struggling? Why is this issue, statement, person's reaction, etc. so important to me that I am reacting to it? What do I see in myself that this touches?

Wow. It's been interesting.

I tend to correct certain things in my kids more than others. This was a great place to start this experiment. Especially because they have been driving me crazy lately. Do your kids have the never good enough or just not enough bug? We go to the pool, but we didn't stay for long enough. We go to a favorite restaurant, but we didn't get dessert this time. We go to Six Flags and even get some special treats, but we didn't get to ride Batman because it started to lightning. It's never quite enough and that is frustrating as hell for me.

Why? Why does this make me so angry. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I usually yell something about being grateful because there are kids who have never even laid eyes on the Batman ride and I bought cotton candy (which I never do) and can't we just have one minute of gratitude you horrible little buggers?

So, I decided to just notice and think through my attachment to this reaction. It hit me going to the pool. Kalyn (my almost 12 year old) was apologizing for her latest ungrateful little bugger moment that I freaked out about when I found myself crying and saying: You dad and I just try so hard to make sure you are happy. That you have wonderful things to do and experience, We want you to be fulfilled and know we love you and we try our very best each and everyday to make you feel loved and cared for and know you are special.

Holy crap! That's what it is. When they don't act grateful I feel like I am failing them. I'm not mad at them, I am mad with myself. I should have done better, I should have taught them to be more grateful, I should have...

Instead of reacting to what Kalyn had not been grateful for, I looked inside. Why was this affecting me? What did this event mean to me? What emotion and importance was I assigning to it?

When it comes down to it, I am a great parent. My kids know they are loved. They really are grateful and compassionate children. They are smart and creative and really spectacular human beings. My husband and I  are doing a great job.

My kids may say things that sound ungrateful simply because they are young. They are developing their little egos, which always want. Once they have, that need is momentarily filled, but not for long and so they want again. They are at a stage where they=what they have. There are adults that believe in this idea. I am my awesome car, I am my big house, I am my important job. It is hard to realize "You are not your khakis." (Fight Club, brilliant line) If there are adults that struggle with this, then my 7 and 11 year old need a pass if they do not, quite yet, have a grip on that difficult lesson. And I need to realize that it has nothing to do with me.

My reaction to them has been so different since this event and realization. Now, if they or anyone else is getting under my skin, I immediately look into myself and think: Why am I reacting? Generally they are mirroring something I worry about in myself or a fear I have. Just noticing this is powerful, even if you don't know what to do with that thought quite yet.

Let go. Quit assigning importance to everything. It is all an illusion and a reflection of what we think of ourselves which is also an illusion. We are. That's it. No qualifiers or adjectives needed.

By the way, this rambling has been courtesy of "A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle. It's a great book, but it's killing me. I am having to re-think how I think. Check it out. If you read the first few pages and are hooked (which I was) get it and start to read immediately. If you think: What the holy hell! Put it down, and try back in a while.

Have a happy day, or not, it doesn't affect me one way or another ; )

No comments:

Post a Comment