This blog is a stream of conciousness from my head to the keyboard to the screen. There will be talk of random subjects. If you have delicate eyes, proceed with caution. I like to talk about controversial subjects and sex a lot. So, take heed my friends. This is not a blog for debate, but for love and sharing. If your views do not match my own, love to you, but don't bring the rest of us down. That's all I'm saying.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Where to Start

Where to start?

This is my question on a daily basis in so many aspects of my life.

Homeschooling: Where to start? Are we sticking to a schedule today. Which of the four versions of the schedule will we use if we are using one? Do we have an adventure to go on today? What learning will take place? Can I justify this deviation? Do I have to justify this deviation?

House Work: Where do I start? What needs to be done? Do I feel like doing that? Does it matter if I feel like it? Is there something I should have the girls helping with? Will I start feeling resentment if no one else is helping?

Family Relations: Where do I start? Do I need to spend more time with my kids, Blaine or by myself? Do I need to break up the fights between the girls or do they need to work it out? If I feel that Blaine is on the girls, do I step in or let them figure boundaries out on their own? I won't even touch the extended family issues, that's a whole other post.

Friends: Where do I start? I have such anxieties when it comes to relating to people, how do I overcome that? My friends are all so diverse, how do I find time for them all, can they come together to events, when do I find the time to hang out with them? How do I enjoy my time with them without over thinking how I'm dressed, what I am saying, and every other action I display?

These questions go on and on and on. Do other people's heads spin like this? It can make it hard to get out of bed and get going especially on days where there is schooling, cleaning, family and friend events all taking place within a 24 hour period of time.

If you do not have anxiety issues, this is what life is like. There are moments of reprieve. Good days where my head will settle a bit and bad days when tears flow freely due to the level of anxiousness about the events and accomplishments that have to happen in a given day.

Please keep this in mind as I relay the following information. I have taken celexa for anxiety and depression for the last 10 years. I have always been very open about this and have always been an advocate for the ability of meds. to stabilize whacky brain chemistry.

I started seeing a naturopath a few months back. I have exhausted all resources and medical doctors trying to figure out why I am always so tired (generalists, endocrinologists, rheumatologists, chiropractors, etc.). I was sleeping 10 hours a night and still needing to nap several times a week. Western doctors kept chalking it up to depression, which was wrong. I just knew in my gut it was wrong. I know what it is to be depressed. That was not the issue. So, on to the naturopath.

We were trying different medications and my system could not handle them while still taking the celexa. So, it became necessary to stop the celexa in order to get to the underlying adrenal issues that were messing up my serotonin levels. So, within 2.5 weeks, I titrated down and stopped taking the anti-depressants.

The next two weeks were hell. No one tells you that there is a significant period of withdrawal. Well, I'm telling you there is. I had the following symptoms starting 36 hours after taking my last 10 mg. dose: migraine, "brain zaps" (it feels like an electric jolt going through your brain), loss of balance, inability to regulate emotions, uncontrollable crying, nausea, reflux, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, periods of extreme anger, insomnia, difficulty finding words, trouble with short term memory and I have little to no memory of the first week.

I looked on line to see if this has happened to other people. I found spotty information. Apparently it does not happen to everyone and there are many physicians that say it does not happen to anyone. The drug companies have termed it "discontinuation syndrome." They also do not subscribe to "withdrawal." It doesn't look good for the company or their drugs.

So, where do I start? I asked this each day. How do I put one foot in front of the other. How do I get through this? Is it worth it? THIS SUCKS and not only does no one know how I am feeling, half of the medical community denies that this is happening to me. There are no recommendations other than go on another anti-depressant that might be easier to ween off of.

What the hell? I have a life to live. I have things to do. I do not have time for this.

It is now 16 days after my last dose of celexa. I have been wondering how to relay this experience to people who might have wondered what the hell was wrong with me the past few weeks. Why was I ignoring everyone? Why was I bitchy when I did speak? Why were my eyes red all the time? Where to start. And also to let people know this can happen. Be ready for it. Consider it before starting a drug, any drug.

It is amazing the transformation that has occurred in the last 16 days. I have energy. I actually feel good. I still have some brain zaps, but they are not making me loose my balance or giving me headaches. I have a clarity that is wonderful. I was able to start this week with all those questions in the beginning peeling off and letting me go.

Even 4 days ago, I didn't think I could get through this, but I did. Knowing I got through hell like I went through makes me feel like I can get through most anything. It was like a rebirth.

I know this is not very coherent. Is is rambling. It is how my brain has been for a long time. Now that I am reborn I feel ready for so many new things. That insane list of question in the beginning has been replaced by just one:

Where to start...

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