I have not posted in a long time because I have been in a fog. A fog filled with craziness and fatigue, sadness and what felt like complete mayhem.
I didn't think I wanted to write about it here because it was too much. It revealed too much. It was too personal and those few people left who find me un-insane might change there minds.
Then this morning I thought: Fuck it! I don't care. This is who I am and mental instability is part of it. It's not all of me, it just feels that way sometimes. But, the fact that I have not been able to participate in life in a normal way (normal for me) for the last 3 months is a big deal and needs to be addressed.
During these three months I feel like I have hurt people and let people down. I felt like if I could open up and let people know what is going on that my actions, or lack of them, might make more sense. Maybe even to me. When I'm in these states it's hard to know what I am doing and how to change things.
Just to let you al know, I feel much better now and am getting back to my usual crazy self rather than my not fun insane self.
I joke about, and make light of my mental state, but it is truly a fragile and delicate thing. I don't remember when it has not been that way. My first memories of wanting to go away and not be here (they weren't explicitly linked to death or suicide at that time) was when I was around 4 years old. So, this is something that I have been dealing with for a long time. I have never know how it is to not be like this. I have been on and off of meds. and in and out of counseling since college.
Enough background. Let's talk about now. I will, perhaps, expand on the past at a later date.
I tend to be ok and well monitored by my meds. I officially have social anxiety and depression. When things are not going well, my social anxiety is what flares up.
This summer Blaine was having a hard time, our finances were having a hard time and my kids were having a hard time. So, all of that going on for 2 months straight, with no break in the action sent me over the wall. It was hard for me to breath, leave the house, care for my family in their state, and take care of myself.
I had a friend, Dqniel come into town for business. He came in two days early and stayed a day late to see me and the family, I didn't see him. I had another dear friend come in from Portland who I haven't seen in forever. I finally got up enough umph to get out for a short while and I got to see her for about 10 min., in a large group, where I couldn't really talk to her.
I feel sad and guilty and bad about these things, but at the time, there was nothing I could do about it.
I was in charge of co-directing VBS (vacation bible school) at my church. By the time that rolled around, I was in complete panic and shut down mode. I did very little to help and was so thankful that everyone else was able to pick up the slack.
The other day the finances hit a wall we haven't seen in a long time. I had panic attacks and had the fight of all fights with my husband. It was the first time I had ever cursed at him. We don't do that. We argue, but we don't attack. I cried for 2 days about the state of things. I couldn't breath. I couldn't eat and just wanted to sleep.
But, I am the one who puts everything together. The one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, is looking for a job, takes care of the kids schedules, monitors homework, teaches sunday school, runs the youth group, organizes the women's retreat, helps interview new pastors, watches other people's children, helps my siblings and mom, listens to friends' issues, runs all the errands, volunteers at both of the kid's schools, is the girl scout camp mom, and now, takes care of finances.
There is no time for panic attacks and there is no one to talk to. I am that person, and talking to myself doesn't work all that well. Who do I go to? My friends come to me. I hear what they are dealing with and it is enough for them to deal with what is going on in their lives. My family? I can't have them judging my husband or me. A counselor? There is not the financing available for that. I still owe money to my daughter's counselor and she was just asking when her next appointment is scheduled for. (Remember, my kids are not so very stable).
I have just hit a wall. So, if I have not called you back. If I have been in a state when you have seen me. If I have not helped you in the way you needed. If I have not seen you when you have traveled across the country to see me. I am sorry. Sometimes I break down and just can't. I can't.
I've re-grouped at this point. I am getting my act together. I am taking it slow, but it is working. Things are getting out of panic mode which is good. I am trying to evaluate where I am and what I need to be doing. I'll get it figured out.
So that is me in a nutshell. (Hey I'm in a nutshell. How did I get in here. Where did such a big nutshell come from). See, my sense of humor is even back : )
Have a good day. I know I will.
This blog is a stream of conciousness from my head to the keyboard to the screen. There will be talk of random subjects. If you have delicate eyes, proceed with caution. I like to talk about controversial subjects and sex a lot. So, take heed my friends. This is not a blog for debate, but for love and sharing. If your views do not match my own, love to you, but don't bring the rest of us down. That's all I'm saying.