This blog is a stream of conciousness from my head to the keyboard to the screen. There will be talk of random subjects. If you have delicate eyes, proceed with caution. I like to talk about controversial subjects and sex a lot. So, take heed my friends. This is not a blog for debate, but for love and sharing. If your views do not match my own, love to you, but don't bring the rest of us down. That's all I'm saying.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Is this normal?

I feel in limbo this morning. As always, trying to figure out what I need to do, what I want to do, what I should do, etc. Why do I find myself in this spot all of the time. Is this normal? Do other people feel this way?

I think it is exacerbated by the fact that Blaine works at home. So, I see him working all day and I feel like he is judging what I am or am not doing. He worked upstairs yesterday while I laid on the couch in a migraine haze. By the end of the day I felt so guilty for not helping with dinner, dishes and kids baths.

He doesn't sit around and judge me, by the way. We have discussed this. He was the one telling me to go and lay back down when I tried to get up and help yesterday, too. Even though he tells me all is OK, and I hear him and see him acting as if it is OK, I still have a hard time accepting that is how he really feels. Is this normal? Do other people feel this way with their significant others?

We have hit a streak in the mornings when at least one, if not both children go off to school in tears. Yesterday it was my older girl, this morning it was the little one. While the older one has been in therapy for quite a while, the younger one is not, yet. It is being discussed. She is displaying this crazy anxiety marked by hitting, throwing and temper fits that well precede her age. When my big girl hit this, I struggled with it on my own and finally enlisted the help of a counselor. After 2 months of weekly sessions we finally started to get things under control. Is this where I am headed with my second child?

I have spoken to teachers, pediatricians and consulted the counselor we are currently using, the behavior of my children is not in the range of normal. It just isn't. So, thank you for telling me that all kids do this, but I am here to tell you that my kids act this way to a degree that is beyond my parenting, teaching and psychology background. Other than staying calm and using the tools I have learned from the professionals that I have consulted, I am at a loss with my kids a lot of the time. Is this normal? Do other people feel this way about their children?

I have guilt about not working. A lot of guilt. I don't know why. It was a family decision for me to not work this year and it has been very positive. My house is better, not always put together, but better. Blaine and I are better together. He has fewer things around the house that he has to add to his daily to-do list, and that is good. We are eating at home, together, more often because there is energy to do the grocery shopping, cook and sometimes : ) clean up dinner. I am able to help in each of my children's classrooms on a weekly basis, make sure homework and chores are done, help a lot more at church, and we don't spend the weekends cleaning. I added up the hours I volunteer/work each week outside the house. It equals around 2, 9-hour work days.

I still feel this guilt that I am not doing enough. That I should be "working." I feel embarrassed to say I stay at home now that my kids are in school. I think nothing of it when other people tell me they stay at home, regardless of what the age of their kids are. To me, it is the way homes have run for years and I am in awe of families who have 2 working parents that keep the house together. My family had a hard time with this. Me at home make sense for us. So why do I feel bad about it? Is that normal? Do other people feel this way about staying at home?

I am so insanely blessed. I mean that. I am not trying to talk myself into believing that, it is true. We always have what we need. We always have enough money, food and clothing. I think this is partially because I really believe this with all of my heart. There may be times when there is no money in the bank, but I know more will come and in the meantime we know so many people we can borrow from if it is an emergency. I may look at my cupboards and think they are slightly bear, but no one in my family has ever had to miss a meal. It may be mac-n-cheese with the cheese powder and water, but food was there. Clothes can always be altered to fit. We might not be able to get new stuff, but the old stuff can be re-arranged. With my kids eclectic clothing style, this method has fit well.

Now, we do not have the issues of having to stretch things how we had at one point. We have a great house and plenty of what we need. But, I still feel depressed sometimes. Why? I live around family. I have friends. We have plenty of everything we need. We can even go out to eat, do fun things, splurge on occasion. My kids and husband are smart, healthy, beautiful and kind. I have meds. that help keep my chemistry in alignment. So, why do I feel out of sorts? Why am I ready to crawl back in bed? Is this normal? Do other people feel like this about their blessings?

I am so worried about being a disappointment to my husband and family. I worry about being a failure as a mom, friend, family member and spouse. I don't know what that would look like exactly, but I'm afraid of it non the less. I have a list in my mind of all the things I should do in order to not fail and I get overwhelmed by it. I don't keep a reasonably clean house. The laundry is only caught up sometimes. My kids are well behaved and happy sometimes, but not always. I do not know how to help them and do not keep my cool often enough. I do not call family members, send birthday cards, and visit as often as I should. And then I feel bad and/or embarrassed about it which keeps me from doing those things even more.

I am so lucky with my life. I should breeze through things. It is easy for me to get done what I need to. In theory. I am not deprived of anything. I am educated. I have an exceptional family. All good things are available to me. So why am I on the couch in tears not knowing what to do about the day ahead of me? Is this normal? Do other people feel this way?

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